I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
