Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
