i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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