I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
