My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
