i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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