you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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