There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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