I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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