He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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