About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
