my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
