Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
