dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
