happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
