youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I want you more than these girls want KFC
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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