I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
