I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
