things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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