my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
