The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
