I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
