I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
