Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You were trust falling into bushes
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
