so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
