Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
