She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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