headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
