I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
my liver is dry heaving
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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