Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
