She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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