i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
