Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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