wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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