imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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