I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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