i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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