I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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