Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
