Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
