Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
