It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
