Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
