I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
