No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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