I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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