i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
