I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
