Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
