he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
