I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
