Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
