Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
