I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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