Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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