i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
