Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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