I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
