no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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