My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
